I'm a gentleman, as you no doubt understand. So my delicate sensibilities were a bit disturbed this morning when I sat down to eat breakfast, opened the paper, and read there on page 2 that Farrah Fawcett has anal cancer. That freaking phrase just really gnawed into my brain in a way the constant parade of violence and shooting in the local paper generally does not.

Just what the fuck is "anal cancer"? Isn't there a polite term for this? Is anal cancer the new colon cancer? Why not "rectal cancer"? Aren't rectums and anuses the same thing? (Similar in the way that Mitch McConnell and George Allen are similar?)

And why drag poor Farrah through the mud? Doesn't she deserve to expire with some dignity and not to get fucked up the ass by the media in this way (choice of phrase deliberate, if a bit obvious...)

Newsweek, the anal cancer of weekly newsmagazines, informs us that anal cancer is on the rise:

"But on Sept. 29, less than a month after the emotional reunion, Fawcett received devastating news: she had anal cancer. The diagnosis reunited her with on-and-off boyfriend, actor Ryan O'Neal, the father of her 22-year-old son, Redmond. He was Fawcett's constant companion as she went through chemotherapy treatments and radiation in late 2006. She was declared cancer-free in February; but, after a routine checkup this May, the 60-year-old learned the cancer had returned.

Anal cancer is relatively rare: the American Cancer Society estimates that 4,650 cases will be diagnosed this year. But the organization says the number is rising. Fawcett falls into the demographic most affected by the disease: she's in her early 60s and female. (Women are slightly more susceptible to anal cancer than men.)

The cancer develops in the tissues of the anus, either in the anal canal or opening. It can cause bleeding, itching, pain or discharge."

Heartwarming that Ryan and Farrah reunited over anal cancer, isn't it? But I just realized that that Newsweek story is 2 years old. Where have I been during the past two years of Farrah's anal cancer?

Deborah Kotz in U.S. News helpfully tells us today that we will be able to watch the film version of Farrah's battle with anal cancer:

"I hope Farrah Fawcett will recover fully from this latest complication. I'm eager to see the documentary she's working on about her treatment experience. The fact that she has documented and shared her fight with cancer suggests that she, too, recognizes the importance of the teaching moment."

"eager"?